I HATE SHOPPING
Got a little easy @ 8:18 p.m.
on 2003-07-12
I hate shopping. I don't see the to humiliate myself any more than necessary, and try to avoid it as much as possible. But, today being laundry day, I had no choice but to survey my shabby wardrobe and come to this conclusion: Momma needs to go shopping. Somebody tell me when it was decided by the fashion gods that you had to be completely dressed to the nines to enter a boutique. As stated earlier, it's laundry day, so I headed out in a faded Woodstock (the bird, not the event) tee, baggy denims, and some canvas sandals...minimal make-up and hair pulled up in a bun (long hair is best pulled up when your intent is to try on clothes...otherwise it gets caught in tags, etc, and becomes a jungle of tangles). Rarely am I embarrassed by my appearance, on occasion I've gone to the grocery store in my pajama pants, but I felt like a friggin hobo walking through the mall today. It's 'sidewalk sale' weekend, so everyone and their dog was out, which if I had known this earlier, I may have postponed my trip...but I did get some good deals out of it. So every shop I walk into I'm greeted with an overly-anxious smiling salesperson saying 'How can I help you?' But they didn't say it like 'I've been on my feet for 8 hours helping XL women squeeze into M sized clothing.' NO. It was said in that 'Code Red! This girl must be legally blind!' way. This didn't really bother me, though, because I know it's true. I do need help, it should be a felony to allow me to shop unsupervised. So I stuck with the basics...only solid colors, and I even bought a dress and a skirt. (I think I need to be more girly, I've got little-man syndrome and often come off offensive and oddly mannish for having such a big rack) So I walk into Express, the tall-people store. Everything I tried on in there let me know just how freakishly mis-shapen I am. What is the average height for women nowadays??? According to Express execs, it's got to be around 5" 8'. All the shirts with collars were hovering around my ears because they were made for people who have long torsos. I don't, so my hips just moved the shirts up around 2-3 inches...fun. I hate shopping, nothing ever fits! And tell me this, if America is having such an obesity problem, why are the clearance racks full of XL and XXL stuff?? Where are all these fat people, why are they not contributing to the economy? Oh, that's right, they spent all their money on Twinkies. I have compassion for people with cancer. I have compassion for people with schizophrenia. I find it very hard to feel sorry for someone because their 'disease' is eating too many Ho-Ho's. Call a fucking therapist, god knows we need the money. And while I'm on my little tangent, I have a public service announcement: Fat People, do NOT under any circumstances venture out in public wearing a top that needs to be tied, especially a tube top. We all know it's gonna get lost in the rolls, this can be prevented. Do NOT under any circumstances wear low-rise, or super-short anything. I don't care how proud you are of it, we don't want to see it hanging out in the food court.
I did see something today that really made me giggle. This Asain woman and her 4-5 yr old son were standing ahead of me in line to check out, and he had a water bottle in his hands he'd been sipping out of. Well, he decides to put this bottle to good use, sticks it between his legs (yep) and starts poking his mom in the leg with it. As most mothers do, she didn't look down, just swatted him away, so he waddles over to the nearest jewelry stand and makes noises like he's 'watering' it. I had to cover my mouth and giggle, he was so cute...I hope I have a son just like that someday.
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So I headed back home to try on my new duds, mix and match, and check out my ass in the mirror...sweet.