YOU'RE ALWAYS ON MY MIND
Got a little easy @ 8:56 p.m.
on 2003-07-12
Oh goodness, has this ever been the week of Smashing Pumpkins and nostalgicly remembering an old boyfriend. It all started last weekend while I was in my home town for the 4th. I was at a party at my friend's house, chatting with this guy about smoking the left-handed cigarettes. So I bring up that I used to do that with my ex, who he happened to go to high school with. So he tells me that he ran into him a few weeks ago, he doing great, about to finish nursing school and has been dating some chick for quite some time. This strikes a slight chord in me, even though we've been broken up for about 5 years now, I still like to think that all my ex-lovers are still pining away for me. But I'm happy for him, he's finally gotten his life on track and sounds like he's doing well for himself. I moved on and he didn't really cross my mind for the next few days, then something, I don't remember what, brought him back with a vengence. I started thinking about his silky jet-black Asian hair, his soft lips, lean body, round eyes, and adventurous nature. It was nice, this kitty had to have a little moment in the shower in rememberance of days long past. Now this would be fine, it's happened before. But he won't go away! I commute a long way to work, and Fiona, Blue October, and Smashing Pumpkins have relived every moment we shared those five years ago, all week long. Then he started popping up in my dreams. Just cameos at first, but last night was just odd, and freakishly realistic. I'd walked into one of his old hangouts, dark and smokey, and asked the people standing against the wall if they knew who he was, and these two older women say "We know who you are, you're the bitch that broke his heart." I get pretty much some more of the same from everyone, turn to leave saying that I deserved it. This guy sitting behind a counter (that was obscured by people standing at the counter when I walked in) asks why I'm asking. I sit down at a barstool, not looking up and say that I'd heard he was doing well and just wanted to see him. Well, of course it turns out to be him, I do the shock thing, cover my mouth, tear up a bit, and feel so torn over whether to hug him I'm so happy to see him, or be afraid he will hit me (which he's never done). Isn't it wierd how you more often remember emotions from dreams than what actually happened? Anyway, he leans in to me and I put my hands in his hair and squeeze him next to me. I remember feeling like I've just won the lotto. In the next flash we're going to see his mom, which is another will she be happy/will she slap me moment, but she looks at him, who gives her the ok, and she hugs me. Then we're off to see his sister, who I know will slap me, but she has a baby in her hands, so she can't. Lucky me. So we spend the day together, happy and enjoying each other's company...no hand holding, no kissing, no nookie. At the end of the day we're at this bus/train station and he's telling me I have to choose between him and Joe. Oh, Joe's at the train/bus station, too, along with some seedy-looking characters ready to kick his ass. So I say I have to be logical, and start asking what he's doing with his life, what he wants, etc. And I come to the conclusion that Joe can offer me a home and family and financial security in the long run, and the other can offer adventure, passion, and true love. So 'Logical Kitty' here tells him that she chooses Joe, and we high-tail it outta there before the seedy-looking guys beat the snot outta us.
Ok, at this point something wakes me up and I go to the bathroom, thinking about what a fucked-up dream I had. I crawl back in bed, put my arm over sleeping Joe, and proceed to have Part II of the dream.
It's mine and Joe's wedding day, and nothing goes right. The dress I was wearing was a corset top, and felt like it was stuffed with tissue paper, I could barely put my arms down and crinkled whenever I moved. I kept walking out at the wrong time, and had to move over for the flower girls and parents/ other wedding party people to get by. For some reason this flamer I work with was wearing his usual pastel linen suit and I was yelling at him to get into the outfit he was supposed to be in, so he puts on this black satin halter-top bridesmaid dress. I'm in the back room crying when I notice a friend and her mom coming in the door, my friend is carrying a huge vase of long-stemmed red roses that was supposed to be out for decoration, and her mother is pushing a grand piano up the sidewalk. I'm furious because they're late. I start grabbing roses from the vase to give to my bridesmaids as I walk down the aisle as a gift. My dad, wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt comes back to see what the hold up is and I tell him that he can walk me down the aisle now, it's finally my turn. He says no, he wants to go wait up front, so I grab his hand and tell him the only way he's getting to the front of the sanctuary is with me beside him. So we walk out, the 'Here comes the Bride' song wasn't played, because it was already played earlier at the wrong time. So as I pass my Bridesmaids, none of whom I knew and they were all large, wearing the black dresses, I give them the roses I'd picked out, but the stems are so long I'm struggling to get them out of my hand that's holding the bouquet. When I get to my last bridesmaid, I'm out of roses, but have a handful of credit cards, which I drop on the floor, thinking I'll get them later. At this time I can 'feel' that Joe's beside me, but I never actually see him, because my bouquet is now missing and I'm just holding a single long-stemmed red rose and am quite confused as to how that got there. The preacher doing the ceremony looks quite a bit like Lurch but with a beard and tells us that we're going to be moving over in front of the kitchen, I say no, I don't want to be married in front of a kitchen with silver and blue streamers covering the door. So everyone gets up to move the pews around, everything starts moving, and I storm back down the aisle (again) saying I'm not getting married there. I'm now somewhere 'backstage' asking random people what the hold up is, they say it's something to do with electronics and blame everything on some poor girl named Susan, who appears to be opening X-Mas gifts. Oh, and earlier when I had to move out of the way so my mom could be escorted down the aisle, I asked her if we could just postpone the wedding a week and do it in my hometown...she says no. So while backstage, I find the preacher and beg him to postpone the wedding a week since nothing was going as planned, he puts up a small fight, then agrees. He then opens a window, we both pop out the screen, and he jumps out, waves, and takes off. I'm so happy he's left because you can't get married if there's no one to officiate!
I think that's where it ended, that was about 12 hours ago and if the dream hadn't been so friggin vivid, I wouldn't have remembered as much as I did.
I'm not quite sure what all this means, what my subconscious is telling me, but I can pick out most of the symbolism...single red rose... Anyway, this all has me pretty weirded out, I'm just wondering what will happen next, it seems to be building up to something. I also just finished "The Shining", so hopefully it won't involve any explosions in my subconcious!